Are we avoidant or anxious? 

When a baby graduates into toddlerhood when the sense of self begins to emerge, it’s a critical period not because it’s so darn hard on carers, not to mention on the little ones who are stuck incommunicado and we, lost in translation, BUT, because, this is when we can either make or break an emerging Will to create coming from a place of safety security and space to express with total acceptance of that expression.

Are we a safe haven for the emerging self in the toddler when they become naysayers overnight,or do we become a source of fear for them lest they throw another tantrum, which to us means “bad behaviour” for which they will be “told”? The answer to this will shape their later attitude in how they express themselves and what they expect in turn from others in their communication.

Communication is generally very automatic. It comes from an already formed basis of etiquette we have imprinted in us from before before. 

We are either:

Anxious 

Avoidant or 

Neutral.

When we place importance on how we are received by others, we are seeking “validation” and “acceptance”. Usually this means our communication is anxious. On the other hand when we dismiss and avoid  meaningful communication or even just any form of exchange, we are avoidant. We avoid because we fear how we are perceived so we want to control that. We want to protect ourselves from getting hurt and therefore put a sealant on the possibility of letting anyone in. We are avoidant.

When we are neither anxious nor avoidant, our communication comes from a place of safety and a knowing ness of who we are. We do not hinge our self worth or value onto how we are perceived by others either by being overly needy or by controlling communication. 

Conscious connection comes from a place of connectedness within. 

When we know who we are and fully accept us as that, how others perceive us is then just that – an external perception based on their own antennae and experiences and nothing to do with ours.

So, why do most of us fall folly to this so much so that the digital age has if anything only shone light on our attachment styles in how we interact with each other given how easy it has now become to “connect”? The connection is anything but conscious. It is contrived and merely based on a concept of you. It is not real but a projection. 

All the insecurities we have harboured are now no longer opaque but transparent in digital communication. And because of that, it has become a trend to try and at least control our sense of availability as a way of protecting our sense of worth and space. 

In fact what has really happened is that the neurotransmitters in our brain have been reprogrammed with an expectation of receiving instant validation so much so that we go. Or instantly taking control and being in charge because we want to protect our sense of freedom.

In a way globalisation whilst having bits benefits has also meant we are all living like fish in a bowl. We are so transparent and in need of a cave within the bowl. We don’t want to be so available and so seen yet we are more needy than ever before – except the need now is of “space”; some time for respite.

We are not built to live with so much overload. 

One of the reasons our primitive ways of dealing with stress come out is because we are under so much stress. We live with chronic stress. It is with alot of awareness and tremendous efforts into our inner life of why we have the sort of stress response we do, that we can really be free from it.

When we had a place to hide and to take some time out of the rate race the digital world not to mention the whole social media, we are more conscientious and conscious. Yet, underneath that, when put in the pressure cooker with stress that shows up in how we communicate, lies an immature yet to fully develop stress response. We learn how to deal with stress in our developmental years. These mechanisms stay. They are how we cope. These are triggered when we are stressed above and beyond what we can handle.

When we are consciously communicating, we don’t seek to contrive. There is no strain. There is flow. 

How are you coping with all the digital traffic in your life? Do you often find your mind wondering how to phrase your digital conversations? Or perhaps you get anxious about not receiving any responses to your communication and conclude the worst? 

Folks, we are placing too much importance on the mundane instead of picking the phone and talking to our loved ones. We get lost in translation because our mind is operating under stress. Remove the stress and unmask your attachment style. Look to your timelines. 

Are you a chaser or a runner?