When you respond to your child in whichever words you choose, these are become an inner voice, guiding light and for some an inner critic, for the child. Whatever you say will be internalised as a road map for the child on how they are and how they even feel about how they are meant to be. So if you call your child names the child cannot understand that mama or papa is having a bad day or that labels aren’t ideal. The child will actually identify with that label and even become whatever that means. Even against the child’s best and highest interests because mama and papa said so. Sad strange but so true.
Many scriptures will tell you that the world was created through word. Words when used in a musical tone can create healing for example. Mantras chanting and even in how we speak to one another, the words we use, how we use these along with our intonation all have impact.
Words create and carry worlds.
Say for example your child is having a not so great time playing something and might get frustrated. You may or may not have noticed this but what certainly caught your attention was when he decided to thrown all of your crystals in the rubbish bin, or try to give your mobile phone a wash in the washing machine! Funny afterwards but at that time you are not at all amused. You might use the word “naughty”. The child has then learnt, that apart from his unmet need to be understood and frustration about his earlier play being solved, his new trait is “I am naughty”. He associates naughty with who he is and he knows he will be “rewarded” with that label when he throws the crystals in the rubbish bin. Sadly for mama or papa he has not learnt that it is not appropriate to throw the crystals in the bin. He just knows it doesn’t make you happy and he might be deterred from doing this because of this as opposed to why it is not appropriate. It really depends on the age of the child.
The point here is that the words we use shape our child’s interpretation of who they are. How do you speak to them? What’s the tone of the language you use? Are you abrupt? Gentle? Imposing? Are the words and intonation age appropriate?
Every single thing we say or do is internalised as caused by the infant. They cannot understand that mama or papa have had a tough day or that they too didn’t have great referencing so they merely parent on auto pilot and that it is not in fact truly reflective of who they really are. They simply won’t see things like that.
If a child hits you, your reaction to that can shake or shape them. For example toddlers don’t have language, and Cabot verbalise what they feel. They will stomp their feet or scream or hit bite hair pull punch and more. As adults we provide a response that addresses the root of that behaviour which is really an emotional release that’s needed. The child needs to be seen and heard. He needs respite. If we react with “how dare you, naughty boy/girl?”, this creates confusion and fear in the child. The child looks to you to make sense for him of his world of emotion and feelings. You are his anchor. When that tree he goes to seek shelter under, instead falls down on him, what happens to his confidence in love or sense of self? He won’t look at you the parent as the one who might have lost it but will internalise this and make it about him not being good enough or being defective or whatever else you might have actually said and how he then made sense of it.
They just don’t have that sophistication in how their brains are developing.
When they come to you asking for your attention in whatever way they know how to depending again on age and development, when we say “not now, I am busy”, or “can’t that wait”, or “no”, again will have an impact such as “I am not good enough” or “mama doesn’t love me because I am not lovable” or “something is wrong with me maybe I should try pleasing mama in another way”.
You might call your child “lazy”. That word lodges itself in the child’s brain and the child will carry an inner voice that will say “you are lazy” at intervals in their lives even as adults. We
Whatever you choose to say to your child and the tone of that, remember that it will remain in the child adult psyche as their inner voice which might turn to be their inner critic that will sabotage their chances of a whole life without getting rid of this internalisation.
Being a conscious parent is about connection and presence. Having the awareness of the power we carry as caregivers is a very scary and humbling experience. One that brings with it a magnitude of responsibility. As long as we are locked in a place of shame guilt blame and victim hood, we will continue that same cycle with our children even if you don’t think you are because you don’t say those same things that caused you pain but you might use a guise bringing the same flavour.
Only at an accelerated level of awareness as a parent can we parent with any sort of constructive effect on the growing brain of the infant to the adolescent pubescent. The awareness comes when we are driven with sheer love integrity and commitment to retain the original vision of spirit. Being whole.