Ever wondered when the hell you will ever get some me time or just time to sit have a cup of chai on your own without being a climbing bar or thrown things at? And those nights when they wake up or when you simply have to get your typing done or your hair or whatever just cannot happen right away but when you can steal moments for all of this?
Yes there is self care and self support but then there is also a rigidity in us. By the time bubba lands in our lives we are pretty set in our ways but like to think we are oh so flexible and malleable. Hmmm, when you have given up your tea coffee or whatever else while pregnancy and then while breastfeeding tailored your nutrition so that bubba gets all he needs, it might get too much at some point. Oh all the self sacrifice light just start grating at you. But wait does it have to?
Do we really need to hold on to what we want to do and when? Are there changes that we can make? Have we thought of simply following our bubba’s lead meet all their needs and that in doing so our needs will in turn be met without any hindrance or feelings of frustration?
There are some things that can be postponed like our cup of tea. I know for some of us we have our morning and evening rituals that keep us together. Well maybe it’s time to give yourself the opportunity to ditch the ritual for totally time spend with little bubba and see how that makes you feel. Maybe it was time for that cuppa to go? Perhaps you might enjoy a mini ritual at nap time? No, don’t do the housework. Just put your feet up and relax. The housework is a wonderful way of introducing practical life skills to little bubba. At toddlerhood they love to feel involved and needed. They love to help out.
My little one was taking the rubbish out at 17 months. We walked out together and he wouldn’t have it any other way. The cleaner was not a welcome surprise for little bubba as she took over his territory which kept him very perplexed the whole time she was here. He loves to wash the dishes and moves the clothes out of the washing machine into the tumble dryer. Oh what is that mama trying to vacuum. Nooooo, I do I do I do mama!!!
The frustration we feel as parents yes it’s real and it’s there for a reason. It’s a brilliant cue for some self analysis and checking in with ourselves to see whether we are too set. Can we relearn other ways of living life thereby accommodating one more person in our life so it’s not about our way of doing things as parents alone but the whole family as a unit? The unit will have new dynamics and we must give each member the space to explore their potential and live to their blueprint. We cannot impose our ways or our lifestyle choices onto our children.
Physically what happens is that we have existing brain mapping and that is what makes us so set in our ways. But that is not to say that we are so set that we can’t be reset. Children are a wonderful opportunity for us to do exactly that. Have a do over of a life once lived to another one to live.
For those of us who are in recovery for complex post traumatic stress disorders or any trauma, become parents might well be your ticket to emancipation by working through and with your issues that will come alive. No longer will these will unknown to you and manifest themselves as automatic reactions without an awareness of then root, but you will know aha this comes from a place inside that needs attention.
Each time our response to our children leans on one side so that it’s not a balanced one, or one that’s in the middle and reflective of both parent and child their needs and wants, this is when we will need to take a stock check into why. When our reactions take control over out emotions and produce a spiralling bind of guilt and shame, then you know you have just hit a sore spot in you that you could do with some healing about.
More parents than they would like to admit have internal issues that manifest in a less than parenting model that will reflect in the child’s growth self esteem and later years as adults affecting other areas of their lives.
For example if you keep looking for solutions to how you can make your children listen, then really ask yourself what makes you want this more than to listen to them. Doesn’t their view or opinion count too? When they still their feet (symbolically) enforcing their new found sense of self, can you see that our mere resistance to this will lead them to have issues with boundaries later on in life? They will turn into yes children and we know yes to drugs and other abuse can also happen when we take our child’s right to be away. They won’t know how to stand their ground; how to stand up for themselves because they have learnt not to.
Our children can raise our awareness into parts of us that we might need changing as opposed to moulding our children to fit into existing moulds that simply don’t cut it anymore. Look at the shambles in the world around us. A result of unconscious and automatic parenting.
What kind of parent are you to yourself and to your child?