Ha ha ha.
No seriously though have you asked yourself this more than you want to admit? Mama Papa or not, there is something very telling about when mr or mrs anger take charge or start to say, well hello I am here. And you think, wait a minute. Who the fudge let you in? Or you think, wait a second it’s my toddler who brought that uninvited guest over; ermmm no it’s the courier man who passed the house and forgot to pick up the return; okay so it’s not even him, then maybe it’s the doggies who suddenly start turning your perfectly manicured lovingly nurtured home into a toilet; aha it’s the husband who keeps arranging the dishes wrongly in the dishwasher so you have to do them again; no still can’t figure it out; maybe it’s the miss know it all mama who just glides through her day making it her business to really let you know; okay so I don’t know then what it is that brings the beast in or shall we say out?
Anger is a secondary emotion; it is a reaction or rather a response to something else that’s underlining it. Anger in itself is not good or bad. It’s the how it is channeled that makes it seem beautiful or very ugly indeed. Many problems we face with each other even our children come not so much from the anger although thus might seem so at first, but what underpins that anger. What are we really angry about? What is the anger telling us? Anger is an alarm. It is a signal that saying look at me.
When we feel anger we might:
Walk away
Walk out
Storm out
Yell shout scream
Throw things
Use inappropriate language
Hurt ourself or hurt someone else
Ignore someone
Use control or passive aggression
Manipulate
Go for a walk or a run
Kick some ball
Play a sport
Start laughing
Play catch with your bubba
Laugh aloud
Dance
Notice how the things we may do or not range from the destructive and then to constructive. It is a gut reaction in us to want to react as if we are in danger. After all our brain senses that there is a threat to us and our survival. So we reach out to a baton like you might if a thief or burglar was nearby. Only, that there is none right now. It’s just your bubba your other half family and friends. It takes a conscious effort to move that anger into something you would rather be doing no matter how cathartic it might seem to feel, to be yelling, because that’s not real catharsis. It’s a never ending loop of guilt.
So why do we have these angry outbursts?
How do you deal with your toddler’s show of anger? What precedes that anger?
As a society starting in our homes, we have always been taught to control and suppress our anger, pain, sadness and any other emotions that are considered as not socially acceptable and make us look “weak” or “vulnerable”. We are taught to hide. We are taught not to be seen fully but only in bits. We are taught to only trust certain people and that we only share very exclusively parts of us that we want to and feel safe to. The general teaching is taught we cannot trust all. A lot of fear is instilled in us at our most absorbent times.
My little bubba feels rejected when I sit down to write a few pages in the morning with my chai; usually the doggies will sit close up and take the space that would be my little bubba’s although they will scoot on if he wants to sit. Only, little bubba does not have that finesse in thinking that he can do that, and neither do the doggies. To them they see mama sat down so it’s a moment for hugs and cuddles to them. To little bubba, he suddenly sees Mama focused on her pages (I write in the morning to dump my thoughts), and notices how cozy the doggies are. He starts by bringing a book for mama to read. Mama reads and then requests that she is left alone to write and have her chai. That is totally unacceptable to bubba. The whole thing culminates in little bubba trying to yank the plants because he knows it will get mamas attention to then hitting mamas head.
Whoa! What was that? Mamas body goes into stress mode. Instead of yelling I ask little bubba not to hit or inflict pain because it hurts. This doesn’t stop him the next day and the next. And the next. The pattern continues. I ask myself how to deal with this without getting angry and with regard to the source of his anger too. If his anger is not let out it stays in. Look around you. Can you see the anger out there? Road rage? It doesn’t just happen all of a sudden. It’s a cumulative phenomena.
When our children at whatever age get to the point when they show anger, perhaps, letting them be angry and then slowly calming them might be more useful than to get them to can it. After the episode, when the child is more prone to a chat, so has moved into a left brain side, then sit them down and talk about why the anger came, and let that guide into what can be done. Leave it with alternatives to using the anger as a fuel to go running in the garden, or throwing some bean bags in a hoop. Anything that won’t harm them or others around them.
But the question is how do we as adults cope with our outbursts? Children can be very trying. They test our emotional equilibrium. And for precisely that, they can be our light bearers too. How? By using these moments as opportunities to raise our game up a notch; by looking into why we are being game or baited by these outbursts you would rather not have. Whether it’s children or those around us, life is bountiful in giving us plenty of moments that bring our beast out. We might get silent with each other. Instead of silence, have you tried to simply put yourself out there, be vulnerable and explain why you feel that way?
For us and for our children, a degree of fully feeling is needed so that we can better hone in to the primary cause of those outbursts and angry parts of us.
The anger might tell us:
We are in pain
We feel guilty about getting angry
We feel rejected
We feel sad
We feel encumbered upon
We feel unheard
We feel small and inconsequential
We feel inadequate
The key is to have the guts and the balls to really look at yourself with compassion warmth and a lot of acceptance. I say guts because it’s easier to look at us with disgust and guilt than it is with love. Is this what we are showing our children life is like to feel and live? Is this our example to them that it’s not okay to fully feel?
I recall a time when someone called at home and my mother told me to tell them that she was not at home; I did exactly that. I told them that she told me to tell them that she is not at home. When asked if she is at home I said well of course she is. Ha.
Please folks, let’s cultivate and harness that natural flow of feelings and innocence instead of teaching our children how to be all but themselves.
The more we give them the space to emote, the more space they have within for self expression. Anger never shows up, it doesn’t need to, there’s nothing in there that’s causing it to come up. And when it does, the child knows how to deal with it. I tend to get my little bubba to run around with our ball or I will tell him to run and let mama catch him. That way the anger goes and we both have a chat about it. I will almost always create a drama about what happened like the Inuit people do to illustrate a point.
I know what makes me feel angry. Sometimes it’s telling me I need to set some boundaries because when I am saying it’s okay, I am really not okay with it. When I say yes, I really want to say not but I am too scared too or maybe too used to saying the yes, because I have boundary issues. I find it difficult to enforce my space because I don’t feel I am that important to me. It stems from being criticised for most of my childhood; and when we are criticised it makes us feel lesser, and we aim to please without giving us the love we need.
Do you know why you get angry?