When they are awake all you want is for them to fall asleep. Although that has all changed for me. With my need to have the day organised into chunks gone and the timer’s timely demise, I can honestly say I am fully relaxed. So much so that I don’t feel I have anything or anyone to decompress from. I don’t feel compressed at all. There is a fluidity in how our days are and even little bubba eases into whatever catches his sense of awe next.
This change comes as I let go of any concepts such as I am spirit or I am human or I am peace or I am love. Even those that say I am an engineer or a hair stylist or a yoga teacher are pretty much out of the window for me. I no longer feel that need to conform or be compartmentalised. I can just be. We now live in a constant state of potential and spontaneity. Yes, I might plan a bit but there is no rigidity to it and if things don’t go to plan there is equally no chaos or overwhelm to it.
The word is “total abandon” and “fearlessness”. Last night I went back downstairs to check on the tortoises and make an ovaltine for my nightcap. Usually, I leave a video monitor on. But it was a night of firsts, I didn’t. I knew, that the doors are open, and have the confidence that little bubba will know how to call me out if he needs me or come downstairs without any help. He has been walking up and down the stairs when he was around 14 months. Great stuff for him, though how long it takes him to reach his milestones as long as developmentally appropriate, I am not swayed. As long as he is learning, and feels he is gaining self mastery, he doesn’t need a label such as good or excellent or a grade to tell him that. He will know it himself.
Back to topic! My brother says when I talk I grow trees!!!!! I move from one branch twig to another tree. Well, that’s my stream of consciousness, we all have it. It’s because I don’t plan what to say or write, never have and no plan to do that. In fact I simply cannot plan ahead or even think up a topic, a bit like my art. The day that I have thought in advance, I never feel satisfied with what I write or paint. It just doesn’t come out as me, rather it’s contrived or me trying to make it sound or fit into something.
Folks we all have this longing in us to belong to something, to be a part of something. We will even loose a sense of our self because we can simply not handle facing us, being alone and having to actually point the finger back at you. This doesn’t mean that it’s always you but rather that the answer will lie in you. It is our nature to long to belong. It is how we are built because we really are one and connected. How many times have you noticed synchronised calls messages from people you thought about just recently or even drove past their homes to see whether they are around? We are all connected, and we long that connectedness.
But it’s not so easy to get connected it it? Social media? Never. It’s the most anti social form of communication – an interface – a mask. That’s all. We have become so used to using that interface that to have face to face real-time connections is a far cry. In Covid times everything now is remote. We have reached the zenith of social media. We have literally attracted this isolation to work through but also to reflect back at the state of us as a race – we are all lonely, we want to feel that love and that excitement of visiting each other, baking a cake to take to a new neighbour welcoming them, taking your grandma out on a date and more. I wonder whether life has really changed at all because of Covid? All that’s happened is our inner isolation has become physically apparent.
The real time connectedness doesn’t mean we all start having dinner parties and inviting each other over for soirées. No. That’s a recipe for comparing yourselves to each other and hosting then becomes boasting. Ha.
For that real authentic craving inside of you that needs satiation, you will simply have to go inside of you. No crutches, no workshops, yoga, meditation, tv, laptops, nothing at all, no help in any way shape or form. I say that a lot as it really is the most effective of ways because whether you work at you in a crowd or in a cave, that working, will have to be done only by YOU. A conduit can help eke it out but that receptivity will have to come from you. Call it your higher self if you may. All these names too are just our ego and the masks.
We then reconnect. Beautiful. For a while you feel wow what a wonderful wonderful feeling and how I have missed this. And then it starts to grate at you and your space feels invaded! You start to feel icky and uncomfortable. Do you know why? Nope it’s not the same as vibration blah blah although a part to play, it is simply put, your very own reflection of something inside of you that needs attention. We feel invaded because we are spending our hard drive and disk space on crap, yep, crap. We move from one help guide teacher workshop podcast to another. And we will also shed a river. BUT.
Give yourself a chance, shut down your support system while corona is still around to give you that chance. Once Covid goes, that freely available stillness will vanish too. Then you will really have to make a super double effort of getting your arse into gear. What are you scared of? Your greatness your power you freedom?
Ironic.
And yes I miss bubba when he sleeps; I don’t feel the need to quiet him or to stop him from living his abandon. After all, I am now in abandon too but not abandoned!