Sleep sleep sleep. How much sleep we all need is as unique as we are in our intellects physiques mind and more. There is no one size fits all here. Regardless of how many hours you get in your bed and even with your eyes shut, it is the quality of restorative sleep that is the all
important factor to optimal brain health and therefore physical well-being and of course the all important mental one too. This is common sense and most of us now are well aware of our need to sleep.
What happens to our brains when we don’t get enough of that restorative sleep? They literally get fried. And that’s not a pretty sight at all, and it feels yuk yuk yuk. Your cognitive function becomes not so all there, you forget more, look aged and more wrinkled! And that one more whine from your little bubba is enough to derail you.
Your bubba might have kept you up for whatever reason not just one night but a few too many. You come downstairs all chirpy and trying to get your head sorted and get your bearings right. Bubba resists brushing his teeth; he runs off hides behind the curtain when you want to dress him; he won’t brush his hair. Once you are done dealing with this, all the while keeping it together, and managing a smile too at his cute little playfulness, even when he won’t budge from the top of the stairs, until you bring back up the piece of wood, he might have thrown down the stairs, you start to feel your heart beat a little louder.
Oh did someone just connect your heartbeat to the speaker. You can actually feel and hear it. And then like on autopilot you make it to the kitchen get his breakfast going, let the doggies out, open the curtains, and offer bubba a drink. Only he doesn’t want a drink but wants you to plug the steam mop so he can start his active play! As this needs more effort than you are willing to make you suggest he uses the vacuum, he flatly refuses. So you top the steam mop tank with water attach the mopping pad and link it up for use as there’s no fooling him by now. Just as the porridge is going and you are about to get your breakfast ready, he starts to whine because he wants you to plug the other all in one mop and vacuum! You do this only this time you are beginning to crumble. Can you feel it? Your bread is now just the warm you like, and now for the jam, and then you see the doggies want to come back. You let them in. You get their food out and then bubba insists he does this only to then throw it all on the floor again once he has dished it out and topples their water bowl too!!!!!
By now any prospects of a warm toast that you really look forward to might be a far cry from reality for you. And you can feel that you are about to lose it!!! What happens next?!?!
You quickly usher little bubba to his seat so you can serve him while you try and salvage the doggie food. And then we all sit at the table for breakfast. He fusses, he won’t eat it. What do you do? You can barely keep it together at this point. Again, one sigh, and you manage to cajole him into eating his porridge. Meanwhile you gobble down the toast not saying your prayer or mindfully chewing it either. You just want it in as you are hungry. And then you get up take the doggie bowls and put these atop the kitchen counters to avoid accidents.
You finally manage to get your workout in straight after breakfast and preparation for the snack before nap time. Ah now this is some release. No wait, hold that thought, it isn’t time to smile yet. Oh no why? Bubba starts to throw the crystals on the window sill out of the window. The windows are open so you can get some fresh air and it keeps the room cool while you run. Close the windows. Back to workout. No wait. Not yet. Bubba starts to whine because he is not part of this activity that’s mamas. So we bring his football out and run around that. Phew, workout done.
Time for chai now! You feel invigorated despite the odds with the sort of mini workout. The snack is ready and you know what you are doing for lunch. You relax your derrière onto the couch with your cup of chai looking out to the fields watching the birds and taking in the moment. Bang! Thud! Snap! Whoa what happens? That elephant statue you had which bubba understood he mustn’t try to use as a tool for throwing, he looks at me while i sit and sip my tea, and then just drops the sculpture down!
This is when your amygdala fires up a stress response and your brain thinks you are in danger. You can walk away, freeze, or fight! What do you do? You literally either raise your voice scolding your little bubba who only did what was developmentally appropriate for him to in an environment that you prepared in which presented an elephant statue that he knew you value but he could also see that your attention was not on him.
We lose it! Bang! Lost it.
What happened?
You know that sleepless night one too many you have had? It can turn even the most well meaning and balanced person into a beast. You become the worst version of you overnight literally when you haven’t slept.
What matters though is how you manage this with little bubba. Sleepless nights and stress will be there when you parent. Children are developing and all sorts happens in their brains when they sleep. Sometimes sleep doesn’t come so easy. When they have no language to explain they might scream at night.
Now we know we probably will be sleep deprived a lot at least the first three years and if you are a solo act then oh my know that you will get through it.
What matters right now is damage control. When you have lost it, you will need to carefully apologetically and delicately approach your little bubba so that his sense of self is preserved and does not become distorted lost or fragmented. Go down to his level. Pat his back, ask if you can explain your reaction to him. Then start to talk gently and explain as you would to any other person with love how you feel. And let them know that they are not a part of how you dealt with your lack of sleep or stress and that this is something for you to handle and perhaps next time you will try harder. You can say it just as it comes and be careful not to blame name or shame your bubba at all.
You could engage some sort of stress management for yourself that can lessen the burden. When your little one sleeps perhaps nap with them or do something totally unrelated to house chores or your to do list. Simply relax and be. Close your eyes or look out of the window have a hot beverage and simply switch off. If you stay switched on while he is asleep you will set yourself up for another event.
Give yourself mini breaks in the day for a hot drink. Little bubba doesn’t need to be occupied all of the time. A little time with no activity brings out their innate creative ability.
Above all, these not so classy moments are opportunities to learn about your own stressors, boundaries and levels of resilience. You can manage your sleepless day by engaging in less demanding tasks and leave the washing up to the next day. Once little bubba sleeps for the night, don’t go finishing the chores. Just get some ovaltine, watch a movie paint or anything that doesn’t involve any mental effort.
Finally, take it easy. It’s not that your bubba is demanding but it is your own standard and demands of you that might wear you further down into burn out especially on those sleep deprived episodes. He just needs your love. And you, that’s all.