As I grow with my child I watch my own response and how that has evolved. This evolution revolves around the innate desire, conscious or unconscious, to return to origin. A return to innocence and an unravelling of the wholeness once there.
Our child needs our love, and not just meeting their physical day to day needs but all the rest such as assurance security stability a safe home a constant supply of hugs smiles and this comes from our devotedness. Devotion will bring with it focus and attention. That will most definitely assist in breaking down daily interactions into those that are whole or fragmented. When we feel devoted, we feel vested and want to grow in that devotion. It’s almost addictive some would say.
Perhaps the role oxytocin might have to play here. Let’s face it we exchange a lot of stuff with each other including wiring and firing of neurons, secretions of dopamine serotonin and more. And then we have an intricate web that connects us all to each other just like the earth it’s ley lines and magnetic fields and the Schumann resonance. There are different sounds and waves all happening as we love breath and live.
Your child will instigate your healing; one does not have to have “trauma” that is known in order for healing to happen. Healing just happens because there is a primal need in us to reconnect to our creator, each other, all that there is and all that can be fathomed and the unfathomable. We are constantly healing the initial wound of separation from our wholeness as all of us together, and then of the fragmented sense of individuated self that comes from the experiences we gave in our individual lives families communities nations and more.
We are all made up of more than the body, we are spirit we are us we are all and we are nothing. Pretty confusing right? All of our parts will come together to help us heal, and that includes parts of us that we are not aware of us such as spirit.
For many years I have had recurring dreams of my childhood home in which I was born. That’s where I had most of the formative experiences that will be embedded in implicit memory not in our actively conscious awareness. Our automatic responses that we cannot explain come from this.
In these dreams I always have my paternal grandparents with me and I do the same thing all the time – I sweep the backyard. What comes to mind now is my little toddler doing just that daily in the kitchen. He is always cleaning up and refuses to play with any of his toys or quickly loses interest. Well baby leads the way so I honour it.
Following a job redundancy, I observed a day long fast for about 21 weeks and then gave up alcohol and smoking. Whilst I embraced my spirit self then and deeply yearned to know more about divinity, I became very aware of a hole in me. There was a hollow feeling and a deep sort of loneliness and a loss of belonging which I could not explain or fathom much less. In a way I had removed my emotional regulator aka alcohol and smoking without being aware that I hid behind smoking. It was to avoid dealing with abandonment and little did I even know I felt that. All I knew was I felt this deep hole inside of me.
Whilst I was on a “path” something was missing. For a while though I felt very content and full of devotion for this other God. They called him Baba. My gosh I was swooshed in love with Baba. It was an all consuming love one that I cannot do justice to with words. Something in me had woken up. Perhaps, my consciousness now extended beyond my physical material realm into a spirit world that became a reality, a part of me, and one readily accessible to me.
What unfolded after this was a series of very very deadly experiences involving sitting in caves meeting holy men sitting under trees and bathing in rivers that soothed the spirit me. Only I didn’t know then what was to follow – my spirits fast tracked expedited quest to heal my body including any brain mapping. Back then it was just pure devotion and love that permeated my being. And I had no expectation at all nor a sense of how things ought to pan out now that I know there’s more to just me my body and I.
A series of super abusive relationships that reeked of a codependent me and a very needy insecure me emerged. I started the relationships as a secure person and ended up exhausted in pieces fragmented and at a total loss of self.
And then I conceived. This was the turning point. Suddenly that primal desire to protect my baby took over and I was able to wave goodbye to the abuse. When little bubba came, that same healing took on a different garb.
Initially the human structure seeks to mimic its childhood experiences that wounded the child in its relationships with others so that one enters into the same cycle that one witnessed as an infant or child. You are enacting a map that was modelled for you. It was only when I became a Mama that my organism had to rewire my brain to stop the pattern and give the brain a new model.
Until we are not healed and return to wholeness our consciousness will keep bringing to us those experiences in different guises that keep wounding us on top of the original wound we carry until we consciously make the paradigm shift into wholeness.
A child can give you that if you allow them to become your teachers. As I completed my own cycle, I dreamt again of being in my Childhood home with my little bubba and doggies and it was up for sale. I felt safe there and protected. My little bubba was playing in the backyard and that didn’t bother me at all.
The doggies were eating stuff there and there were some wild dogs and wolves too who I shooed away till they left. I saw myself cooking in the same kitchen, and the house looked bigger than before. I had people coming to see it to buy.
And again my paternal grandpapa was there in passing and left.
I feel that after this dream, a huge burden lifted off and that the childhood trauma has been integrated. The sweeping dreams were of times to come of clearing my psyche of abuse past of ancestral heaviness and simply return to my original version of self.
They say that actually the spirit of your child will keep nagging at the stuff that we need to heal and integrate until you do, You will continue with your patterns of either extremes until you can find your middle way to emotional equilibrium without a crutch and a sense of purposeful wholeness for the sake of wholeness.
Gather together all of our fragmented parts of self and allow them back in with graceful reception.