“I officially stop reading anything outside of my own inner world of know how. I simply feel sick at the sight of one more book on anything. I know it all! How is that possible that I just know? Erghhh. Could this be a Sign from the universe and maybe that’s why I am feeling sick?” This is a message I sent to my soul sister some moments ago.
I have had an inkling for a while now, I mean like ten years or so, yep that’s a long while right, (but when your ego and need to conform and fit in reigns it’s not so long people stay in that all their lives and more), to keep writing from within and stop looking on the outside for answers.
These are all inside of us.
And guess what? I still thought oh just one more book after all it’s a different genre and not strictly what I am guided to write about so what difference would it make and lets not forget that I have now trained my brain to expect to read when my bubba takes his nap, and so I like a robot just pick a book despite my intuition telling me otherwise.
I feel sick in tummy like I am not following divine guidance now but falling into ego crutch that says I should read to validate what I already know meaning I don’t feel confident enough to accept what is transmitted or what is simply there and we relax ourselves enough to allow it to flow. It’s like writing the mind alive.
So all this time in my head I had parked this thought the communication gap we have with child raising is that we see them through the eyes of the adult us and have adult expectations as opposed to relate to them as just what they are: children.
We:
-read the latest parenting books,
-and buy at a high price the latest version of Maria Montessori’s list of tools that was originally meant to be readily available from our kitchen and homes,
-we keep renewing and browsing the internet for more reasons to, the accessories we have built in to provide for an infant friendly environment,
-replace the play kitchen we thought was a sound investment hardly lasts a year as we now want a functional now so we buy yet more,
-the infant has grown out of his sofa yet another excuse for retail therapy only if doesn’t feel so bad because we are doing it for our child,
-and really really trying hard to follow the latest trends in sleep training,
-editing what we share with other mamas for fear of being judged so we only say what we think makes us sound like we have it all together and are in the know of the latest fad in childcare,
-send out our infants to nursery before they need to go and even if we are stay at home mamas and papas as most will be during Covid times because we can’t keep atop of all those competing new Instagram life demands after all
-and we rush them through life scurrying them into ignoring their own needs and shunning their demands because we are in a constant state of stress.
HA! Does this sound remotely familiar? Do you look forward to when the baby naps? To setting up activities and what have you all geared to get the baby tired enough to catch his 40 winks so you can breathe? Do you often look at the clock wondering when is nap time?
We live in an age of competing demands; we work; we live with excess information excess of everything; ten recipes for the same paella; so much of muchness that we have lost our own connection with our original self. We are inundated in a pool of excess, in a swamp of instantly available information. We don’t hand write anymore, we type. We rarely hear the birds wake up in the morning at dawn, and rarest of all is the long hard and even soft look at the mirror. The mirror now is just to check we look presentable, our whole life is a Beaty parade. None of us want to say no I am not okay or actually I didn’t really have a good day, the norm now is to say “okay” and “fine” to how are you. When we clearly are not. In this competition we rush our children into technology forgetting all about the orienting reflex and how it interferes with normal development when screen time becomes the nanny; we don’t even stop to think of how the child feels when we just want to get the damn clothes on him and straight out of the door drop them off to the nursery; and oh my we boast about how much he loves nursery even at such a wee age; we even compete about how independent they become; that they already learnt how to use the toilet at an earlier age that was developmentally appropriate because what matters is that it’s currently fashionable in all the parenting circles we have placed ourselves in.
The ego identifies with what “should” be as opposed to what is. And we like hamsters on the wheel keep going ignore the voice within.
Each time I refer to my mobile for say a recipe or check on my deliveries through Amazon since I am true to my hamster race and ways, I feel a hollowness inside when I look at my bubba. It makes me wonder why that feeling. And I know why the at feeling. When we can reach the psyche of our child especially when they are still under 3 years and not yet talking, their feelings even those unexpressed are loud, when he looks immersed in his play and you think oh wow look he doesn’t cling anymore, tarry a while, he has just learnt that you cannot meet all of his needs and that he is a tad needy for you and to ensure you don’t leave him since it is literally a fight for survival for the infant, they develop a way to cope. So, really it’s not always independence. It depends on context age and much more.
All of these things that we are doing take away that deep connection our little bubba is constantly on the lookout for whether or not little bubba acts clingy whines moans or keeps quiet. It’s an innate need. When it’s not a coping mechanism is sought – it’s just about survival.
When we are given that constant connection we don’t crave that later on in our lives and will in fact grow to become very secure adults through our relationships careers and all. We no longer feel the need to seek out romantic partners to fulfil that unmet need in us. Some of us might do the opposite. We might engorge ourselves in retail therapy thinking that’s the way to show us love because that’s what was being modelled to us an infants so that’s our map. That real love will be out of reach. We often find spouses that are all we want to be but don’t have the courage to be. On the other hand poor modelling can also leave you with a spouse that mimics what your grew up to believe as the norm.
To follow our inner wisdom that we all have freely available to us will be out of reach because we constantly look outside.
If we tarry a while relax and wait the answers will come. There’s no need to rush. It’s okay to feel and be vulnerable and saying I don’t know, or yes I have told my child off a few times or that I have felt irritated with my infant inside of me and later taken it out on my spouse. It’s really okay not to be in a hurry to get “there”. And “there” is a place even I don’t know.
I mean where is that place we all seem to be in a rush of getting to? Is there a point? Apart from rat racing to nowhere I see no merit at all. Yes it’s a recipe for dementia, a recipe for a conundrum of mental health issues and also physical as a result of a sedentary life watching the box or screen.
I once heard someone say that you can “train” your kid to go potty even before the age of two. Oh gosh what’s the rush? Do those diapers really do your head in so much that you are going to hurry this child through his childhood into a not so fully formed adult? What because of a dirty diaper? You can introduce the concept of a toilet to your infant when you feel it’s appropriate but to expect that the toilet is used please lower your expectations and let the child lead you to when it will be. This would normally happen when the infant has sufficient bladder control and knows when he needs to go and can pull his pants on or off letting you know if he’ll is needed and can ask for help in wiping or this can be done by himself.
Another person says oh I don’t know how you cope with all the cleaning and keeping on top of it I would just get a nanny. And not a nanny per se to carry the baby but house help which is a great idea by the way if you can work out a schedule. At times it might even become a task in itself to find the time or mental space to even write down a list. And if you are breastfeeding around the clock then hell no, and if you are a single mama oh now that’s another story altogether. And let’s not forget all those post natal hormonal changes we all go through! Sleep deprivation as an added bonus.
What’s the root of such thinking? Why do we keep playing pass the parcel with our babies? Children? Why? Either we don’t think we are enough or have so much on our plates that we simply cannot cope. And why can’t we cope? Fine, yes let’s get in a child minder to do the caregiving. And when do you parent? How much? What this means in science is that the child will have an attachment style based on the primary caregiver which in this case might be the nanny or housekeeper or the nursery, which is better than no caregiving or inadequate caregiving leading to a less than secure attachment style. Ever heard of Bowlby? Get to know him. The attachment theory might just give you insight into your own attachment style and explain your relationship and life patterns.
So, finally, if we are in such a rush to get the babies to grow up and put their not even fully developed brains into overdrive, why then are we still having the babies? We flash cards in front of them before their neocortex has even had half a chance to develop. Honestly they don’t even need these. I got the flashcards out once to show house hold items and I was shocked my bubba knew them all, and by the way he doesn’t talk yet. Even without sitting with him and getting him to learn his alphabet he still knew the stuff because their minds are sponges for information. They have more synapses than we have. All we need to do is to talk talk talk and engage them involve them cuddle them go down to their level on your knees when talking to them give them the respect you would to an adult consult them too on family stuff and ask them how they feel about stuff.
Now, obviously I am not suggesting that we are all now well meaning because mostly we are and even when we hurry we hold that same good will and intention. But mostly this so called well meaning is coming from the outside world or competition and it will be most of us who are not confident and scared of “fudging up” that fall into that hurried child syndrome trap.
Bubba had brought a book and blanket so I need to and want to take that call.
Till then, take your time with your beloved child, what’s most important is that the child feels loved and that he matters. Remember our children are not chattels, they are little people and let them lead you and match their pace.
Slow down.
A long hug coming your way now!