Phew! I am so relieved to know that I am not perfect and don’t aspire to be either. But what I did have is a knowledge of how things will be. Like a fortune teller I think.
Perhaps what I wanted was to have a type of hold or control on how events unfolded because where I grew up nothing was certain. Things changed all the time. We moved houses ALOT. We were always the last to be picked up from school. Well, in that wait, we managed to get a free roasted maize cob from the vendor outside the school gates because by that time we were already hungry for an after school snack.
At home, the caregiving was very inconsistent and many a time harsh. Both our parents were run by their reptilian brains and had little if at all any insights at all that they were doing this. Violence for us was deeply frightful each time. You never knew when you would be struck whether by a fist a rolling pin a hair brush or big loud words by bigger than you giants. In an atmosphere like this an infant will develop a mental model, and a coping mechanism. He will understand now that it is very normal or it’s how things are to expect that those you depend on for all of your needs to be met may not do so, and the environment might be one that’s very very risky.
Very early on in life we find a way to help us wade through the multitude of these ever changing inconsistent types of ebbs and very little flow so we can stay afloat on almost dry land. Little space to swim. It’s a very biological process and one that ensures survival. After all these caregivers are our food house shelter clothes suppliers and the occasional validation and hugs if lucky. Or they might even get us some consistent caregiving in a nursery.
Now, imagine your entire survival depends on the caregiver and each time something terrifying happens, because of the way the infants brain is wired, they are egocentric and this will always always be taken to mean it’s about them.
They don’t know how to see that mama might be crying because she is sick or daddy shouted because he lost his job. So, what the infant does now is to try and create a map showing how to navigate these waters and dry land.
One of the ways will be perfectionism hoping that when it’s all nicely done whatever it is you choose is what might trigger the wrath of the caregivers if not done properly, that you can possibly avoid that and win some affection too. That your existence is important and you matter. By this time of course there’s no self esteem or any form of self acceptance. You exist to please please please. Because you want validation. You become nice and that is your false sense of self that is your armour, your garb as a soldier in the battlefield. Perfectionism is a breeding ground for fear of failure; fear of rejection; fear of abandonment and more. These are all fears we carry from infancy, some sown as maps to harsh or numb parenting.
As you get older and fly the nest you don’t even know this, well at least not the source of it, that you continue the cycle and people please, and want everything in your life to go to plan. And when that doesn’t happen you fall apart or project this to your partner or your child or just or. You want the dishes washed daily – well we all do right? But what happens when your toddler needs you and your laundry and dishes pile up? Do you leave the toddler or attend to him and then come later till it’s way past bedtime to get the whole kitchen and house in perfect order?
Whilst order is not a bad thing and in fact very useful in keeping it all together when you are unable to hold yourself together when things are not in order then you might just need to do a self check in to get to the root of this. When you start letting that not so perfect order of things or the way the clothes are folded or how the cutlery is placed get to you over and beyond that’s it’s just a bit of a bit, then really self check in.
Sometimes it’s that little us in us that’s embedded in the different neural pathways that’s makes us behave as we do without us knowing. Memory is implicit, it’s ingrained. When we have some knowledge of this we can then work to remap this. We can recreate it.
An exercise I have been doing recently is to leave one or two things off the list. For example, instead of killing myself to finish the dishes, let them pile up for a day. Tackle them the next, and use that bit of extra time to perhaps paint sew knit or anything else you have been putting off that you do just for yourself. Leave the floors that so obviously need to be mopped for the next day for example.
Find some space and see what would happen if things weren’t so perfect; if things didn’t happen as you expected them to. What would happen? Take it to the end and you might find there’s no danger. Your brain will learn now that land is no longer so dry anymore and you can create your own flow, you are not a little lost infant finding a coping mechanism. There is nothing you need to contend with anymore but yourself.
Feeling safe is one of the greatest ways of getting to know yourself. Again this is a biological process that happens on our brain. When the reptilian brain is at rest, all the other sensations can flow, you can sense more around you. This is why when we meditate it’s always a good idea to have a back rest, a bolster and a quiet space without distraction so our amygdala doesn’t go into overdrive.
Whilst it’s important for the stress response to respond without thinking in certain situations that really pose danger, in normal day to day life communications with our infants and spouses and the rest there is really very little need to stay on high alert.
It’s okay not to get it right; it’s okay for your child not to nap or sleep at the “right” times; and it’s okay if you cook a quick meal as opposed to a five course perfect menu; it’s okay to leave the dishes; it’s okay to just relax. Seriously, it’s really OK to let go and let your hair have a messy day. Stop fretting start living.