I always wondered why I had to have it all or nothing. If for example I want to run a workshop it has got to go to plan and if for any reason it doesn’t even if it’s minuscule in the bigger frame I fall apart. If I write it’s got to be the best and stand out from the rest. This kind of thinking I know now comes from a fear of rejection and abandonment. Such thinking only postpones our art. It delays any of our creative side to come to fruition. All our aches and pains surface as we deny our self to express freely without restriction.
If I have a task say of cleaning then I clean up fully or seemingly so in the fastest way I can ; I am always in a hurry to finish. And I might then not do it properly but as long as it presents okay I feel fine. But what it means there’s a lot of stuff on the unseen inside that needs attention. This hurriedness comes from my mother’s sense of rushing to and fro everything. We were always rushed from getting bathed showered clothes through food, the whole day a big blur gloop of rush. And there’s never an end point. My mother goes to the airport to catch a flight super early. When I am waiting for a client to arrive I start the wait an hour before the appointment time. I work myself into a state of panic, but of course it’s all hidden underneath that garb of all put together persona that’s calm centred and blah. Oh and this extends to anyone coming home to visit. I will go through lengths to see to it that all is in its place! After all I will be judged right? Wrong. People don’t come to see your place or your belongings but you. Not even what you are wearing or the Chanel scarf you purchased just for that dinner you were hosting!
Never rush a child. Let the child lead you and you match the pace of the child. If you have appointments then factor in a lot of extra time so there is no rush at all. And be prepared to get late and so be it. The rushing prepares you for a life rushed through, a dish you take short cuts with, make up badly done, applying foundation on your face to cover up instead of eating well for your skin, rushing through a book and messing the whole plot, writing legal documents with lots of little errors, all because you want to rush. You are more concerned with the end point than the journey. It’s always about getting somewhere as opposed to relishing the now that we have.
My own rush is usually the rush to the sofa and my tea time to simply stare into nothingness and succumb to the numbness instead of engage with anyone for fear of being abandoned hurt and rejected again. We want to remain in our apathy. but of course it’s not always to remain in the numbness or apathy but also to attune to the calm and stillness that is always there. One need not go looking for it. Just pay attention.
My little bubba decided to take the tops off all my perfume bottles and uses the designer lipsticks and eye liners as his markers. I thought I will take this opportunity to clear out the dresser. The dresser is now a work in progress for me; instead of tackling it all at once I do it in bits. I can then remove old makes up check it all and discard. Keep only live fresh stuff. No rush, just enjoying putting things up and out slowly at a slow pace.
Being a parent has taught me to slow down; to do things in bits and not expect perfection which is just a ego led mechanism of ensuring we are not hurt. But we only cover existing past hurts with it.
I want to savour the journey, the experience of writing even just one page a day for the book instead of setting myself up for failure by self sabotage expecting an overnight bestseller!!!
To simply be and do what my soul calling is without rigidity chaos or drama is what I yearn for. To fly, to feel freedom in the free air we can breathe so easily, to relish in the squirrels daily delights in playing burying all its finds in the vegetable patch, to watching how my little bundle of feelings chuckles when he achieves something like put the reel on the spindle.
I have led a rigid life. One of my ancestral legacies. No movement towards the dream of dreaming.
I love to paint with my words a life that’s ordinary plain simple and extraordinarily lived.
Taking these baby steps with the blog give me love for myself.
I know that my little one won’t sleep till much later tonight but I am fine with that. Last night he woke up at 1140pm and didn’t get back to sleep till 3am. He has new teeth coming through.
I am free from the rigidity of the “routine” and the “it’s got to be this way”. So today when he is ready I will bring him upstairs. At his pace. Meanwhile, I plan to paint rocks with little bubba today, scribbling, writing, maybe get some white fabric out to prep for painting when fabric medium arrives.