I am struggling with finding a way of extending the gap between my toddlers behaviour my own expectations my response and his reaction. I find that I have my own demands for self and those needs that I also must meet of my infants brain. How do we marry our own self care with those of our infant? Naturally infants will come to the top BUT when we don’t look after our own needs it can get pretty tough going. Hence the “need” for our “needs” to be met.
It doesn’t have to be a struggle or a competition. With a spice of realism, patience and a list (I love lists), it can be done. But please don’t stick to the list and force it to happen when at a times things don’t go to plan. The idea is to remove the rigidity or how things ought to be to how they are in the present. So when our infant is teething or maybe no reason that we know of but he does, is super clingy and that means cutting short or even cancelling your appointment with your tweezers or nail file or artists pad, then even if you are not growling groaning frowning on the outside but feel it, oh ouch that will pinch infant and make him super clingy. Yep! They are extra sensory remember? Their brain is still developing and are mainly right sided although sides aren’t so distinguished yet either. They are a bundle of mush and feelings before they can talk.
Okay so we need to find a way of getting rid of that inner frown; hell we need to first know we have an inner frown. Some of us are so so so far away from our feelings we don’t even know when we have that frown, until we are set in trigger mode by maybe a friend our spouse mother in law just anyone even the milkman!!! Maybe it’s because we really really don’t want infant to see and know we frown do we hide it. Or maybe it’s because we have a belief in being nice and that it’s not cool to get angry or to say fxxx off!!!! Either way let’s assume you know and realise oh fxxxx I am frowning and I know that bubba senses it. Then what?
We both (bubba and I)need each other on many levels and yet we need our space to be too. Bubba also needs his space to be including being left to play alone when they are happy doing so. You wait to be invited. We don’t join without a formal invitation else the infant feels intruded upon and that’s not mothering. It’s SMOTHERING!! Maybe we smother because we feel it’s mothering and so badly want to play with our kid as nobody played with us.
Hey listen, if you are responsive to their needs as opposed to your unmet infantile needs in them, then it’s pretty okay to also leave them alone when they need their space. We are not the only ones who need that space. Gosh they are a whole person. Something we keep aspiring to be BUT.
So, here’s a list of what I want to do for myself. I figured to make a list of me and me might help organise me in my head at least and then I have a contingency in place too.
So here goes:
(I want
1, to read my book
2, to write
3, to sit with myself look out the window
4, to jog daily
5, to take cold showers daily in the morning
6, to sit to meditate before sleep
7, to have my ovaltine a snack before bed
8, to paint
9, to do my eyebrows thread my hair on legs maybe even sort my blackheads
10, to organise my kitchen cupboards better
11, to clean the house at least a part daily
12, to connect with other people on the phone
13, to …. ermmm yummy fantasise about whatever and lots of creative visualisation
14, to download lots of stuff to print for bubba so he can have a print rich environment
15, to make toys
Hahaha! Make yours too and am sure little one has his demands list waiting for mama to attune to too.
To be attuned will ensure security and healthy attachment such that you can pretty much tell that any time you invest early on with bubba means they will want to play independently more – they feel their self care is met! By YOU.