It’s not even the end of the month and before you know it, the money monster has gobbled up most of your salary; you are panicking because you know there’s a really “necessary” purchase coming up so you dip into your savings, AGAIN! And this cycle carries on from month to month; even increasing your credit limit, getting a consolidation loan. You simply cannot control your impulse to buy that “necessary” item again. And you are definitely not going to postpone it.
Until, one day you encounter a total stranger, let’s call her Mamakee. You meet at the supermarket over a spilled can of beans which you nearly slip over, and under your breath are cursing that son of a bxxxx who is responsible for your almost “fatal” accident. And then you hear a very apologetic voice, saying sorry to you, and all the while, taming the little tiger who thought it would be fun kicking a can of beans about in the grocery store. Because he is just 3! And cannot stay still for long. “Hey. I am really so sorry, my little one doesn’t understand behaviour and consequences” I am really sorry. May I help carry your shopping, are you ok? How about a coffee?”
Although you started off feeling very angry, listening to Mamakee, and her generosity your anger was quick to dissipate and you start to banter with the little one. You both hit it off and decide to have a coffee at the local play park which will keep the little tiger entertained. You have no expectations except for a good chat and connection.
As always, you offer to pay for coffee, and insist on getting a few pastries pies and cakes despite mamakee explaining that she is quite happy with just her tea. You still get the extras, and while you are at it, you notice a few soft toys on offer at the same cafe and decide to get these. Oh wait, what they have a dumper truck too, oh he will love that. And so you get that too. Never mind the bank balance. You see this as a necessary purchase.
Mamakee notices this behaviour and as she is herself a reformed spender, she speaks to you. She tells you her own story about how she felt she needed to buy necessary things, and donate to the umpteen charities. She even told you about the time she couldn’t decide on on a gift so ended up getting about 11 for her yoga teacher. It was always like that since school. Her father would give her money during his visits at school, and she just couldn’t wait to spend it all on her school friends. To ”save” it was out of the question. And she still saw that as her being free and abundant. She was not manipulative or indeed seeking some form of validation for her self worth.
In fact quite the opposite.
She simply never felt she was worthy to hold on to so much money at any given time and whether it was charity or any other noble cause she could find, she always siphoned the money right out of her hands. Little did she realise that this was not about learning to detach from materialism, or not taking money lest it become a canker to her soul during her spiritual awakening, or the causes she found.
It was about not feeling “worthy” of money; of what it represented. You see, she grew up surrounded by hand me downs, her father was never home, he was always broke, they had to ration on everything, except they spent lavishly on entertaining guests, meaning the others. She learnt that she didn’t deserve to be money rich because her parents were not. She learnt that to have so much money might make her greedy because mostly that was what was fed to her about money rich people. So her brain understood that the appropriate way to be is poor.
Except Mamakee was never conscious of her own self sabotaging behaviour. She would give her best clothes away, her expensive jewellery, and never really held on to money or anything lavish.
As you hear the story of Mamakee you start to recount your own childhood. You can see how you always parted with things, and remember that when your husband cheated on you with your sister, you almost gifted him to her believing that perhaps they were better suited to one another instead of grieving that your partner and sister had “cheated”. This sort of martyrdom comes from a place of restriction in us.
That can be treated when we commit to self mastery, and abandon any form of self slavery. Awareness and a steadfast desire to get on top of you become the order of the day. Gradually as you “get” you, you get you.
You no longer want to part with what you have because you know you deserve. You know you are not those before you. You know you are you, and fully worthy of all of life’s abundance.
Blessings
MamaKee x