Oh that? It was the sound of the saucepan impact my skull with the thrust of my toddlers might. Seriously am not kidding! He really did whack that steel saucepan on my head as I bent down on all fours to get some dishes out of the cupboard. The next sound you hear is mama crying. And what do you hear bubba saying: “Mama Please Don’t Cry!”. Only he didn’t say this, he showed it with a look down on the floor and walking away.
Did he mean to hurt his mama? No. Did mama know he didn’t mean to? Yes? Did Mamas stress recognition mechanism is her brain know this? Yes, but. The but is there because it takes a lot of training to move from a place of reaction to a positive response that will enhance bubba’s development as opposed to hinder it.
Of course we don’t approve of any violence and most of us believe that taught at a young age children will learn not to be aggressive. Although one way is that they will learn to channel any aggression in a ways that’s constructive.
How many of us provide an age appropriate response to hitting pulling hair pinching and biting that toddlers are very prone to do? The gut reaction when our body is in pain is to freeze or flight or fawn in the face of danger. The body may not recognise that there is no danger from your toddler unless your awareness tells your brain so. You may be a victim of child abuse in the form of violence; this might make it even less tolerant when you are hit. How do you react to your toddler then knowing they don’t actually pose a danger and aren’t really trying to harm you as they lack the know how at that stage owing to their lack of a fully formed brain?
Simply moving the focus from you to toddler and navigating to the root of why your toddler has communicated in that way might lead you back into the parent you as opposed to the child that’s been hurt in you or just the hurt person. We cannot teach a toddler certain behaviours. They can mimic and they can memorise. But they cannot understand or cognise the why of why we don’t hit. Or that it hurts mama. Instead they may lower their head in shame not knowing why mama is crying or upset forgetting why they even tried to get your attention in the first place.
They retract and then carry on doing what they were or find something else. They have just formed a coping mechanism for not being seen or heard by their mama. They have just learnt that not all their needs can be met, and not all their needs will be understood. They have just learned that their mama cannot always be there. She cannot contain herself let alone contain bubba. Can you see the shambles in all of this? Bubba doesn’t have the age appropriate mechanism to understand behaviour just yet. Perhaps when he is older he will understand. You will know when he is deliberately doing something that seems irrational but with some thought or premeditation. This is when some guidance might be necessary.
Our children need us to be their container and not them contain us. What might help is that you can have a cry or a chat to a friend or support about the incident but at that time, to contain and most importantly for bubba to feel like he can be and will always be contained is vital.
We cannot contain when we are overloaded and full to the brim. We will know we are full when we balk shout react and what have you disproportionate to our child’s mental capacity.
Are you contained or the container of your child? Does your inner child call for containing too? Who foots that bill?