I have always had an openness in how I communicate and present myself to others; but, perhaps I never gave myself that kind of openness, at least, I was not aware of that. Being open to what comes whether it’s an idea or a spontaneous meeting or a different post of view. I enjoy I suppose the fluidity of the human. We can mould ourselves into anything. We can be anything anytime we want. There’s just so much possibility it’s really incredible.
I took some cave time these last two years and even more seclusion in the last 14 months. I totally went solo. Oh boy that is super super challenging when you don’t even have the mental space to be solo, because, you are literally at the beck and call of your even more than normal curious toddler, who might just be going through a clingy phase, or notes that his mama might fancy some space which makes him all the more insecure and needy. Ha.
My cave told me a lot of things that the parts in me that were in hiding had to know.
Yes I always knew about the impact my parents divorce would have had amongst other things like an over critical mama who maintains “she was strict for our own good and look how far it brought me”, or an absent father who spent his time cavorting with the lassies or laying inebriated having had a few too many with his friends to coming home in that state making demands of my mother, maybe even throw her out of a moving car on the national highway after a party, or beat her almost to a pulp on the high street. And then there was the uncle who insisted we play a nightly game of doctor and patient. In all of this I recall finding a rock and placing an image of who I was told was a Lord God of the Hindus – it was a photo of Shiva. I built this lovely tiny shrine and kept that there. I longed for love from both my parents. I wished to have “normal” parents. A “normal” home.
As life went on, what I know now is that I had minimised or even to some extent dismissed the sort of impact all these situations would have had on my child brain then. I acknowledged all of this and had a very aerial view of it all. Whilst I knew of the impact what I didn’t realise back then was about “coping mechanisms”. I have started to notice these in my toddler. It doesn’t have to be a huge level of distress from our adult point of view but it is enough for their heart rate to go up and produce a way for them to cope. Don’t be fooled by the coming days and lovely experiences of life for toddler and you, and think that the past gone is just gone. Nope. It’s deeply encoded on the child’s brain. It’s all there.
The cave time for me thankfully whilst being very very harrowing was over quicker than I imagined because throughout my life I never disregarded the hurt and pain; and as my awareness grew, I was even able to start making the connections of present time and the past. However, this was not complete because I was not consciously aware of some stuff that was there but had no language. This is what my cave gave. That vocabulary to bring what’s in, out. Job done.
When I say, that perhaps I didn’t afford myself the same openness is that I always held a very high standard for myself. I thought it was normal. Digging deeper I found I actually have no standard for anything. This was one of the maps my brain worked from which came from maybe my mothers own expectations of how life “should” be. I gave and still give a lot of space to everyone especially in honoring their point of view because it’s all valid. No high no low. No right no wrong.
But now, I give myself that same freedom space and openness. So much so, that I am receiving more and in turn balancing the ebb and the flow; the giving and getting; the pair of opposites. I allow myself to be without holding myself to a standard. The inner critic has gone. Job done.
Our fluidity and potential come from this place inside of us that is just ours. It is our souls song; our hearts bliss. Having deconstructed my psyche and pulled away from what was mapped and modelled, I can see me clearly. No mama and no papa. What has come out is a total acceptance for my mama and papa just as they are. It is only now that I have fallen in love with my mama and my papa seeing them in all their flaws, wounds and all the armour they feel they still need to carry. I love them now without the condition that I am their child. I see them because I see me.
And with that, I see you just as you are. I receive easily and let go even more easily. The sense of the “I” that is really your potential to be is what permeates when anything after the “I” stops becoming your crutch limitation or even definition. We are ever changing ever evolving. We don’t even need to settle for who we are right now, we might be more or less tomorrow, leave room in you for that change, and it will happen.
Funny we end this post on evolution today and it what was hopping in my mind earlier. We started off with the old reptilian brain then came in the limbic and type mammalian neocortex. We encode fear more easily as that’s how our bodies are built – it’s all about survival. So anything potentially dangerous is recorded to maintain the species. But our new brain knows whether the danger is real or not. Very rarely is it real as we don’t live in the deep forests and surrounded by unknown beasts.
We live in a different kind of jungle. And it’s the type that doesn’t need the sort of stress response to danger that a reptile would use. We just need a level of awareness of “me” “you” and “we”. That itself will tarry on us.
And on that note I am reminded of Tarzan. Loved that boy and movie. Might watch it again. We are all Tarzans let the openness come keep expanding it until you can contain you and all the others.