The day starts with hugs kisses and cuddles, and two big smiley faces, bubba’s and mine. By the time we get ourselves dressed and ready to face what comes, and get down to the kitchen for breakfast, that smile dissipates. Instead we are all so focused on getting the kettle on, or if you’re like me, then grinding the ginger and cardamom for fresh chai, while on the other burner you have bubba’s porridge going. My furry doggies also want to eat, so I trundle along the sudden display of mops vacuums all on the floor in what was about five minutes of turning my focus on the food prep. We get the brunch and lunch prep sorted now too,
so that after morning chai we can whip it all up before it’s time for a story or a painting and then brunch to nap time.
Somewhere, in all of this, that same enthusiasm just sits somewhere else. Maybe it’s just how we are feeling biologically or mentally on that day? Because on some days that smile stays with you pretty much the whole day until you hit bedtime when bubba might resist sleep. Or maybe he doesn’t. We take for granted before we become parents the time and space we actually have at our disposal. Most importantly it’s the mental space that somehow becomes a rare commodity. This is where parents need to spend time on each other too. It’s not just about survival as mamas and papas but about thriving too.
On a down day you might feel particularly vulnerable; on a normal day without any space for you to make sense of all the sensory input you will still feel vulnerable.
But, that is not the feeling of vulnerable that will make you feel exposed and weak when you are not really either of them. When we come into our state of child like awe, we share ourselves without hesitance and holding back. Have you ever spent time with a toddler? You might notice they cannot contain their feelings at all. When they are sad, they tell you. They will cry and there is no feeling of shame or feeling exposed at all about it because they believe in the unconditional acceptance of their parents for them.
On the other hand, if you were to discourage your toddler from emoting, you take away their openness to express. You tell them that showing your feelings and true self is a weakness.
Most of us are brought up with this belief ingrained so deep that we are automatic in our response to people who just are. They have no agenda. People who fully feel. People who are free. Whenever love is freely available, you might be repulsed or even label that as not worthy. You want a love that you work hard at getting because you enjoy the buzz. You will get excited by the novelty of something and never go deeper because that means getting into you.
I used to cry secretly and now I cry openly and happy to with an audience too. It won’t phase me to be me. If that’s how I am feeling then so be it. I will not expect that someone holds me or comforts me when I am emoting because I have learned to self soothe. But I will also know where I can receive that comfort if I need it. It will mostly come from people around me who are also not scared of exposing their true selves. They don’t judge this open hearted ness as a weakness because it is not. To live that openly is a strength. And something we are rarely doing that because we are too scared to lose the interface. How ironic that we resist wearing masks with Covid around though? Maybe one more mask too much!
Since when has being vulnerable become a weakness? Why is one regarded as not very mature or evolved for having a breakdown? Isn’t that just natural and a normal course of being human? We live in these little bubbles with so much layering of armour. The further we are in fully expressing our feelings to one another is the further we are away from our own core. We don’t share mental health issues either. But cancer yes.
In our state of wholeness we embrace ourselves fully and in turn do the same to others. Not many can live feeling fully. They might think they are but, feeling fully not shared, is not really an integrated wholeness. You are still maintaining a facade and operate in a fear based paradigm which requires that you protect yourself. From what, I ask? The same trauma that might have made you like this? Are you aware that this might have happened? Maybe do a timeline into where this pretence sprouted from as a coping mechanism? When did you have to shut yourself down?
You don’t have to share your true feelings with all and sundry of course. But you can get out of pretending and wearing a mask when you really don’t need one.
I cry almost everyday at some point and it’s usually when I am so exhausted I just need some time to regroup. I recognise that I need that so I will create that time for myself when I can. It may not happen as often as I might like but I know when I need it the most, it will be there.
We all want to be child like and miss being that free. But we also can’t bear to get hurt and to share too much of each other. Folks, make up your mind and decide which way it is. One cannot be child like and not be vulnerable. It is an asset and not a liability.
In your vulnerability lies your strength; and your wisdom. In fully feeling we can merge with the beauty of a flower, we can empathise when that’s needed and really be with one another connected at a deeper more meaningful way as we make our way into the return to our wholeness fully integrated into oneness.
I feel freedom when I am myself; I feel freedom when I share who I am; I feel lighter when I share in someone else’s moments of weakness; I feel anchored in knowing my own shadows; I feel deeply touched by my own child like openness and warmth; I feel like flying when I embrace my broken wings; I feel like sharing my heart when I see your tears flowing.
I am a bundle of feelings and my bubba gives me the space to cry to laugh to feel. There is no shame in feeling; no shame at all in saying I don’t know; and no shame in admitting that we feel ashamed.
The next time you feel exposed or seen ask yourself, why don’t I want to be seen, what about me am I hiding and why? And yet we crave to be seen and loved just as we are.
We are.