The amount of information we have out there it’s truly reflective of how much we really are. I think it’s great that we are so much and more. But there’s got to be an end to all of this searching and always trying to be this or that, watching our thoughts, words and actions. Why can’t we just live life enjoy it and participate fully?
I think for me I am pretty done with my aloneness that was necessary for integrating parts of me that might have literally fled the scene. Naming them was not as challenging as the grieving those lost parts of self. But the grieving is so cathartic. At our core we are pure joy and potential to experience. There is so so much life and my gosh even more people places animals nature continents and more to see. I wish I could see and be it all! I might have morphed into my own infant self, one that is all brand new and ready to bounce into the world with these new set of spectacles.
Now I am ready to live mingle and do and be at the same time! Everything is seen with brand new me everyday. Things seem more beautiful and bright. Today, my bubba tried to touch the sun’s rays shining in through the window; I felt awe watching this and in turn my own sense of wonder felt touched too. I stop and take in what mesmerises tantalises and interests me for the present moment. There is no feeling of oh oh what will people think or ermmm “should” I be doing this after all I am a mama “shouldn’t” I be out there teaching my toddler how to read count and spell? What about all the activities? Oh don’t even get me started on that I literally threw it all out of the pressure cooker! I have no time for the timer anymore! We glide through the day and looking at the clock no longer takes up my whole day.
I am no longer focused on getting my bubba down or reading time or painting yoga drumming healing blah blah time. That is not to say that it still doesn’t happen; of course, bubba will still take his nap and fall asleep at bedtime have his five to six little meals and play, but I don’t feel the need to pay attention to the time or the clock. The strangest thing now is that I have no “rush” to get anything done but everything gets done so so easily and with so little fuss. Bubba is talking so much at bedtime and we have zero resistance from his side to sleep.
That zest for life comes from a willingness to fully participate in life and an openness to what comes, and a fluidity in letting go what goes. There is no indulgence beyond the “now”. Today as I washed the dishes I found my wandering away and I said, “eh hang on where do you think you are off to, I am washing the dishes, my bubba is enjoying his puzzles and relishing his mamas attention and presence so why are you trying to spoil that,” and then I was back without wasting away on anything not happening right now,
Solitude is vital for any sort of inner work and growth. It is the type of solitude in which there are no distractions, no friends family or any form of emotional regulation should you feel the need to share vent or stress out to. Nope, none of it is present. It is only you and you. This is when things will come to the surface for you especially when you are triggered. The key is to hold on before judging your trigger and quickly focus on you. Then do a timeline into where this reaction or emotional unrest you have is actually coming from. If you say low self esteem then get to the root of how you came to have this; try to identify the source each time anything comes up. Forget looking to others their stories or their stuff for your answers or even questions. You be the one for you, and see what comes.
Once your aloneness has served its purpose, you will definitely start to emerge and be the old new version of you. Fully present. And that’s when this excitement of life starts, the tensions and stresses seem to have vanished. All you see is endless possibility.
For now, being at the toddler stage, I am relishing my daily experiences and with this paradigm shift in place, my own toddler bubba is a welcome comrade in our daily adventures!
It’s playtime!