I must admit I do get a tad bit frustrated at how I just about manage a post when little bubba naps; just when I am well and truly inspired, guess what? He wakes up!!! Tonight after he finally fell asleep I was literally in tears. I just let it all out. I came downstairs and didn’t even know I had this pot full inside. I felt very frustrated at how long he takes to sleep despite having tried it all and really how hard it is to being a conscious parent. And what really upset me was that even when he naps or sleeps I am still on edge because you never know when he might need you. The last two days worth of paintings have been okay but rushed.
What came out of tonight was that most parents are constantly stressed out. We worry when they won’t sleep and worry when they do. If it’s not the worry then we are simply too wired to relax. There has got to be a way in other than seeking out another self help manual, yoga, mindfulness and all else that required some degree if commitment and effect. Why can’t it be as simple as right it’s been a long day of parenting I am simply switching off and you with your other half can talk about each other’s days. But do you? Nope. Even your conversations will be about the little bubba and probably a mop you really want to buy!!
What works for me is to have a winding down ritual every night. It is just to sit in my armchair watch the garden as the security lights keep coming on and off, with my hot mug of ovaltine. I give myself the space to let my mind wind down, which in turn allows me to open to receive. This act of openness to receive is what happens when the yogis meditate. We become receptive to divine guidance and wisdom. This is the time when magic happens. We make those connections. We make realisations epiphanies and love. We literally make love happen in us. All because of ovaltine you think? Maybe for me as it gets me all nice warm safe snuggly and very very calm. What’s your “ovaltine”? Right now I can literally hear my Godfather say “scotch of course” what else! Well, why not! It’s whatever works for you without judgment. But remember if it is scotch then make sure your little bubba is covered maybe by your other half.
Anyway the point i think you already get is to simply get yourself in the mood to open up.
In the last post about your toddler or child being rebuked for having a reaction to their needs not being met and your stress responses what came to mind was “boundaries”. With the right environment you will very likely not say “no” much. This doesn’t mean that it’s always a “yes”. Whilst our toddler might have a whole area or even the whole house fully accessible to him with all the safeties taken care of as far as we can, there will be occasions when a “no” is appropriate.
I would normally say “no” and follow this by an explanation about why it’s a “no” and down at his level. Can you imagine being talked down to? Scary. So for example, my little bubba loves to play with the doggies. One of them, the boy, is not so keen. My little bubba might be very tempted to simply carry one of them and move them elsewhere. This might not be something the doggies fancy, and whilst my little one thinks it’s cute, I feel the doggies need their own space and respect also. I suggested he stroke them gently perhaps instead of picking them up. He seems to have understood because a few days later I found him sat on the rug stroking one of them and she was loving this.
There will be other instances where a “no” response of necessary or when frustration and anger might arise. My little one loves the outdoors. I will let him know in advance that we will be going back inside. When I have repeated the request the go back in the house a few times too many, I will end up lifting him up into the house. This is usually when he will cry and even try to hit me for not letting him play outside. I am at his level and I again rub his back if he will let me or just sit with him. I explain that I understand how frustrating it might feel for his fun time to be put to a stop, and we take it from there. I might even point to the vacuum and suggest that we might give the downstairs a quick once over. Voila he is back to normal takes his shoes off and off we go to the cleaning!
When we are under chronic stress as most parents are we take things too personally whether it’s our toddler or someone else, For some this may mean shutting off totally; for others it might be going for a walk taking a time out or even lashing out. Having a degree of stress is healthy; it is what drives your natural instincts to nurture your offspring. That positive stress gets you into action such as ensuring your bubba’s meals are nutrient rich, checking up on your children when they don’t come home on time and even getting them medical attention when they need it. This is positive stress.
The stress that becomes a problem is that which just sits there as a state of being. You are always wired, on edge and cannot switch off. You have an array of podcasts and books which you mean to get to and just them being there stresses you out. Your toddler won’t eat your very diligently prepped meals or won’t care for the activity you have set for him – this literally takes its toll on you when you are already chronically stressed.
For me, a good nights rest takes the edge of things. But that still won’t shift the root of how quick we are to get stressed or rather it’s the negative accumulated stress that might make everything seem so much bigger than it is. Get to the root of that. You might be holding on to a stressful situation as a toddler.
You see an infant simply cannot process their anger frustration and stress like we do. They don’t have the tools to make higher sense of it all. Their reptilian brain is what a most active. It’s all about survival and most of us stay with a lot of stress that started in infancy. For some it gets to the point of complex post traumatic stress disorder which means they were under chronic stress. Children who have witnessed excessive violence often will have this; or have been verbally abused; some might have been scolded day in day out and been at the receiving end of their parents own irrationality. Sadly, a lot of society might already be suffering from this and it may explain the rate of divorce mental illnesses and family fallouts.
Some abuse might happen inadvertently by parents or caregivers who may not have the tools that we have now to question existing parenting paradigms. Then there is that which happens by those who have just lost touch with their humanity.
Children are little bundles of light that need a lot of love care attention and tremendous patience.
When you respect your little ones they thrive; when you don’t, they merely survive.