The amount of times we hear, “take it easy, you need to let go of your stress” honesty would have me a lot of cash in the bank! Ermmm isn’t stress vital for our existence? So if we were faced with a predator say a snake or someone tried to attack us won’t we need an amount of stress to get us to form whatever action is needed? And what about meeting deadlines at work? Or getting that all important tax return in on time? Even to get yourself out of bed a certain degree of positive stress is needed. We need a mechanism of stress to traction us into action.
Or perhaps letting go of stress that stays for longer than is needed a bit like anger that piles up like a layer over another layer is what we need to address. I think so.
When we get to toddlerhood we like to explore pit environment on our terms; not on what mama or papa say but it’s got to be our way pretty much. As they have very little language and cannot tell you in so many words what their needs are they might get very frustrated which will quickly turn into anger and this may well mean causing you an injury such as hitting slapping pinching kicking or biting.
How do we respond to that in a way that is firm, and retains the toddlers sense of freedom, independence, new found sense of self, and is respectful to them? Remember, also, that the anger the toddler feels is no less valid that anger any adult might feel. It is just anger. And this energy of anger will have to park itself somewhere if it’s not dissipated in a way that’s cathartic and cooling to the toddler.
Most automatic parents would be triggered into their stress response and this is very very normal because the amygdala sees this as a threat to your body. You might automatically rebuke the toddler and for fear of any consequence and for fear of the parents primary reaction itself, the toddler might stop. You might think oh brilliant that did the job and carry on with the day as if nothing happened.
Here is a list of what might be happening on the inside of your toddler:
1, The toddler was very frustrated initially and because his need was not met, and he was not understood, this turned into anger;
2, Angry toddler with his undeveloped brain can only channel his anger by throwing his fists around biting pinching kicking. He can simply not contain himself at all.
3, His need remains unmet; instead of some form of validation or understanding or even a calming him down response, he gets scared now because of how you have reacted;
4, Our little bubba is confused has no idea why he was told off and had understood that his needs cannot be fully met and that you sometimes lash out irrationally
5, The last point can potentially lead to a modelling to expect love with danger that will lead to codependency and narcissistic partners who may not respect the adult toddler because to him this is how normal love and a relationship of care is.
The toddler has not understood that his behaviour was unacceptable. He doesn’t have the brain capacity yet to get this. And we tend to respond to them with an adult brain to adult toddler brain as opposed to adult to developing toddler brain.
Shouting scolding telling a toddler off can have some serious knock on effects. Hopefully you might feel guilty if you have done any of this as an aftertaste, and that guilt, please use it as your guide that tells you that this time you might have got it wrong. This is when you go back inside of you around you and try and figure out what made you react the way you did and how can you better understand your toddler. It is not only toddlers that will push such a stress response but life situations and those that are very close to us.
Like I always say, the problem is never the other person, it’s us. Something in us needs attention. Next time you feel the kind of stress response that came when you were in fact, in no real danger, is what needs to be dissipated.
Let’s go back to the toddler who felt misunderstood and is probably very confused at this stage. His anger has not really been channeled. Nobody came to him to ask him what happened and together try and figure out what he wanted. There are times in the day that my little one will be pointing at something and nothing is there only maybe not in my sight but in his so I will keep asking him and trying to figure it out by a process of elimination.
Now imagine that each time your toddler does something that triggers a response such as “no” or one that inhibits his expression or anger. Let’s take one example. My toddler totally loves the steam mop. He is so obsessed with his cleaning sometimes I wonder whether I need move my cleaning to after hours so that I can model something else, but that thought doesn’t last, as these are practical life skills that will be of much use to him later and is also fine tuning other skills. Each time he asks for the steam mop he knows that the tank needs water and that he must use a clean mopping pad. He asks for these and will want them now not later. If I am busy cooking I could very easily get triggered into a “not now” response and he might keep going, which might really set me off into a total “no” response. He may get scared and stop totally. Anything can happen. But, what happens here is I will simply offer him the mopping pad to attach on his own and a cup of water to fill the tank. After all, it is down to me to set up an environment that doesn’t vouch for a “no” response all of the time. That stifles their natural curiosity and might even get them frustrated.
If for example, I have the steam mop out and totally refuse to let him use it, this might lead to a meltdown. And then I react to the meltdown by telling him to “shut up!”. What do you think might happen here? You might think that it’s quite alright to speak to them like this or that they are kids they need discipline and control, but in fact what is really happening, is that you are creating a recipe for future disasters in this little ones brain mapping. If you can’t deal with your toddler exploring with your £80 plant pot, latest range of Dyson vacuum or your chinaware then please put these out of reach. You cannot thwart the spirit of a normal toddler for that act will prove ominous to how it shapes his brain. This is how our joy becomes stifled, this is where we lost our innocence and excitement for life.
Apart from the impact of this sort of rebuke towards an infant, I wonder how desensitised we might have to be to behave like this towards our children. What led us to become that way? Our own babyhood. And why do we feel it’s okay to speak to our children like they are our chattels? They have feelings and all else like we do. If anything they need a lot of space and understanding because they are not on the same level as we are.
Still, let us look into our stress response and figure out why it is shaped they way it is. This is a very liberating exercise. Once you move the focus away from the outside as the source of your stress you then have a better chance of healing the root cause.
The continuous use of “no” to a child can be very challenging to them, which can lead to layers of unexpressed and repressed anger which will find their outlets when they are full to their brim later on. And the adult toddler will never know what the root was which was that first layer of repressed anger.
Anger is energy just like anything else. Use it to fuel your actions towards your life purpose that is only yours and not one you can compare to others. All of who you are and the decisions you make are yours. These will reflect your values that are unique to you. These too cannot be compared with others after all they is no equal footing.
Like we say in the law of equity, we must have an equality of arms for justice to prevail. So please, next tome, your toddler triggers your stress response, wait and try to see from their hood.
We are not really equals; we are all equally unique beautiful and magnificent creations.