The other day I noticed how my voice and even posture changed when other people happened to pass by our front garden whilst I played with my little bubba. Bubba loves to play outdoors and resists any mention of going back indoors. Likewise he loves to play with the garage door fob. At times he wants to go inside the garage with the fob which is attached to the housekeys. There is no reasoning with him as to why he cannot do this and why mama needs to hold on to the housekeys.
Little bubba might have a mini meltdown at one “no” too much for his little developing brain to handle. And just then you notice people passing by. Do you engage with bubba or do you assume the role of “right, I said it so you cannot have it, and that’s that because I am mama” or “that’s it let’s go inside”, or do you say while you bring yourself to his level, “I am sorry you feel upset, it must be frustrating for you to have the garage keys taken away from you just as you were having some fun with them and realised how these work; bubba the garage fob key is attached to our house keys which we will need to open the front door with. How about next time mama detaches the fob for you and makes sure she has her spare handy too?”
We are all too ready to get our face masks on when in the company of others even if they don’t actually care what’s going on, are unknown to you, and are all too engrossed in their own mental rapports or not. Why do we feel judged as parents especially by onlookers? Ever been on a plane and your toddler has one of those days? Or witnessed another’s bubba have that? How do you feel when you hear a baby crying in that cabin? Have you ever heard yourself say, “I thought business class was meant to keep us away from all this noise!”.
You are in an supermarket and your little one decides that only a particular brand of cinnamon will do for porridge in the morning. Except that it’s a tad out of your budget and you are already struggling to keep your head above the water. And you notice other shoppers watching the drama. You feel embarrassed infuriated and stressed. What do you do? Reason with your toddler? Threaten them? Maybe lift them off go to check out or simply storm out of the supermarket and leave the shopping to when you are alone if at all?
You see the trouble here is again not the little bubba or even the others. It is us. The question then is why do we feel the need to keep up appearances or a facade when we feel we are being watched. Is it even necessary?! Why does our stress response become activated and isn’t this just another form of people pleasing and not being whole?
A conscious parent on the other hand would engage with the child dismissing any form of judgement from others. The thought of that there are others might not even be a factor to consider. You might simply deal with your child in a manner that doesn’t judge or invalidate the child’s reaction. So, with the supermarket scenario, again, down to their level, perhaps pat them on their back if this is a genuine meltdown where no reason or sense prevails for now, and simply be there comforting them. Gradually name what they feel and understand it from their point of view, and then you explain your thought process like you would do anyone else without any any belittling. When you do this, you validate their feelings and make them feel understood known and present. They don’t feel isolated lonely or misunderstood. This one step will set them up for life and they too will become conscious parents without the need to people please or seek external validation.
That sense of validity or that the matter will already be instilled and it will not be sought outside through others or even drugs alcohol sex and other forms of “reward”.
Most of us will put on the mask quite automatically. Suddenly the child moves to the sidelines while keeping up appearances takes centre stage.
Really, when will we take our power back start to feel like we matter to us, and focus on parenting our children through the mirror?